Jesse Is Lowkey Thrilled to Push Ex-Wife Michelle Toward Schwartz — “I Would Never Shoplift the Pooty”

In The Valley Season 3 Episode 4, Jesse Lally proved he’s still the king of petty when he openly admitted he’s actively pushing his ex-wife Michelle toward Tom Schwartz — not out of goodwill, but because watching them date would give him “so much fuel” to make both of them uncomfortable for the rest of time.

During the guys’ mani-pedi hang in Episode 4, Jesse lit up at the idea of Schwartz and Michelle getting together.

Schwartz awkwardly tried to shut it down with his classic “I would never disrespect you like that unless it was true love… I would never shoplift the pooty,” but Jesse wasn’t buying the restraint.

His confessional was pure gold: he’s deliberately nudging them together for maximum chaos.

This isn’t coming out of nowhere. In Episode 2, Jesse openly shaded Michelle’s intellect during a dinner with Lacy, claiming he and Lacy are “equals” in conversation while Michelle was “just kind of there for the ride.”

That same episode showed Michelle and Schwartz growing closer during their emotional salt-cave sound bath, where they bonded over grief, family issues, and even planned an “energy reset” trip to San Diego. By Episode 3, the flirtation had spilled into drunk shading at the Y2K girls’ night and the housewarming party.

Cut to singles night at The Belmont (the very spot Schwartz met Katie Maloney), and the dynamic flipped again. Michelle friend-zoned Schwartz hard, calling him an “innocent cute puppy” she might kiss but would never actually date.

She even tried to set him up with her friend Natalie, seemingly thrilled at the idea of them hooking up. Meanwhile, Lala was sliding into DMs with her signature chef’s kiss emoji, and poor Schwartz had zero game when the nail salon receptionist started flirting.

Jesse’s glee feels like classic ex-husband revenge — especially after he spent last season dealing with Janet and Jason’s drama involving Lacy. The man isn’t just moving on with his classy, bougie girlfriend; he’s actively trying to direct the next season of his ex’s love life for his own entertainment.

It’s messy, it’s vindictive, and on The Valley, it’s absolutely delicious. Jesse isn’t healing — he’s curating chaos. And if Schwartz and Michelle actually spark? Jesse will be in the front row with popcorn, ready to remind everyone who lit the match.

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